Brothers

Growing up,I could count on one hand how many girlfriends i had. Maybe 2 or 3 at most, maybe. Sure, i had girls who hung around, but they were usually interested in my brother and were using me to get to him. I've had a lot of the same guy friends since preschool. Seriously. They were the ones who got me through elementary school.  When I was in 6th grade, i got really lucky and fell into this amazing group of guys who, to this day, i consider to be my brothers. We may not talk all of the time and we have managed to loose touch over time and of course, reconnected through facebook. These are the guys that i trust more than anyone. True, i'm closer to some of them than others, to one above everyone, but these guys, they made me who i am..the mother, wife, auntie and friend that i am. They continue to push me to be a better person every day of our lives. I have watched these guys grow from annoying kids to absolutely amazing men. In recent years, we've shared more than our fair share of joy..marriages, the births of our amazing kids, our kids proudest moments. We've also shared our fair share of heartbreaks too. Most of us have had our first go at marriage fall apart around us, we've lost friends and classmates, most of us have lost grandparents, some of us have lost parents and at least one of us has felt the unimaginable loss of a child. These guys are my heart and soul. Every good thing in my life is the result of having grown up with them and as i get older, i know what's important. Friends are the family that you chose for yourself and i made some damn good decisions way back then. Do we still fight? oh hell yeah. Do I drive them to the brink of insanity? of course..its a gift i have. Football season is a bitch. I'm the only one of us with good taste in teams. I have no idea where i went wrong with these guys, but they have absolutely terrible taste in teams. I know for a fact that they think the exact same thing about me...we ride each other about it all the time. The thing is, when i talk to any of these guys, about anything..i feel better. these are the guys who will never lie to me. If i'm being over dramatic, you better believe i'll hear about it. if i'm upset and have valid reason, they get protective. these guys are the men i hope my sons grow up to become. See, as we get older (most of us are sneezing at the big 40), life changes. You go through stuff and you look back at how you got where you are. The road isn't always pleasant, but you see who was there with you. Being the guys girl that i am, rarely have i had occasion to tell them how proud i am of them and how much i love them, so i'm doing that now.

Peace found

I took a weekend road trip with my best friend this weekend. Well, actually it was 24 blissful hours away from the hubby and kids. We went to southern ohio to meet up with a gentleman and his daughter to adopt their hermit crabs. Yep, hermit crabs. Looks like we're getting into the rescue end of owning crabbies, but that's another story..maybe i'll get to it later today, maybe i'll save it for another day.

Anyways, we needed this. I've been making changes in my life since my little "mental health slip up" and part of these changes has included doing things that people don't necessarily think I can do. This road trip was part of it. It was 3 hrs one way to SE OH and then another 3 hrs (ish) up to NE OH. Why the hell did we go to NE OH? Pretty simple. I have an old friend who lives there. An old friend who I desperately needed to clear the air with. See, this old friend is the same friend i posted about the last time i posted and things were getting mean between us. They swear things weren't, but i assure you, they were bad and i almost walked away. I didn't want to..it would've killed me, so..i gave them one last chance to hear me out and to talk. As luck would have it, they had worked the night before, spent all day with their significant other and forgot i was coming into town..more correctly, they had their head up their ass for a week and didn't think i'd actually do it. I ALMOST  didn't call them to let them know I had landed safely and was splurging on a fairly pricey hotel room (totally worth it btw) for the night, but another dear friend kinda made me do it and i am so grateful they did.

I wanted to see them, but like i said, they were exhausted and snippy, so i settled for a phone call and text messages while i was relaxing in the hotel room. I laughed, i got mad, i got frustrated, i apologized for some things, told them i owe them a bigger apology for a couple things (i feel very strongly that i need to do this) but that would have to be on a private phone call (best friend was with me) or better yet, face to face, but i laid my cards out on the table and I found PEACE. No matter how crazy we drive each other, no matter how mad i make them or vice versa, i am now content with the knowledge that we're not going anywhere, no matter what the other thinks. I needed that. I needed to know that they still cared, i mean, i knew it, but i needed to hear it from them. See, I've got most of my life wrapped up with this person and yes, we missed a few years because, well, life happened, but i treasure our friendship, they are like a sibling to me..lord knows we fight like siblings. I couldn't just walk away, no matter how much very well meaning people tried to get me to. I love them. They irritate me, annoy the crap out of me, they inspire me, they teach me (whether or not they realize it..i do get the hints most of the time) and most importantly, they make me want to be a better version of myself..for my husband, my kids and me. I've made some pretty dramatic life changes in the last few weeks and its because of their encouragement..both direct and indirect. I want to keep moving forward and make them proud.

We will never see eye to eye on a lot of things and that's ok, because it makes things fun and interesting. I don't want them to change for me and i refuse to change my heart for them, becoming better doesn't mean i won't still be my goofy, loveable, slightly bitchy self..it means i want to make better use of who i am, this gift i was given. We love other football teams and hate each others teams with an unholy passion. I love their dog (they don't understand this, but he's the most awesome thing on 4 feet and i can't help it, i'm an animal lover), i drive them crazy.

I'm proud of them and the life changes that they've made over the last couple years. Especially the ones they're making now. I know how their story ends..well, i hope i got it right when i wrote it down. (another long story) if i'm right, they're gonna owe me big time! There's magic here..a magic that gave me back a love i had forgotten, magic that reminded me of my true self (someone i had lost and missed terribly) and magic that is giving me the courage to move forward when i want to curl up in a ball and hide.

The moral of this story? Sometimes, you have to take crazy risks, do stupid things and when you know in your heart that something, someONE is worth fighting for, no matter what others say, you have to to just do it..go with your heart and fight for it or them. I took the risk, I fought the battle..the war isn't over yet, but i'm in this for the long haul. I fought for the ability to find the peace I desperately needed with this person and I found it. You never know until you try!

Reflections

When you have add, it comes with a lot of good, and ..a lot of bad. I've been pretty lucky that i've always been able to deal with more of the positive side of it. That all changed last week when I had a much needed though really shitty timed nervous break down. See, Add is a mental illness. I don't care how much sugar coating we do to it and say its a learning disability. It affects soo much more than just our ability to just learn things. It affects how we do EVERYTHING. Romances, children, friendships, work..it affects our ability to do every single thing we need to do. To keep calling it a learning disability does a huge disservice to what i just survived and I assure you, I'm not the only Shiny Squirrel out there who is dealing with it on a day to day basis, I'm just one with a blog and with that blog comes the opportunity to share what happened so that others can learn from it. 

Last week, I got stuck in my own head, as us shinys are prone to do (so don't tell us to quit over thinking...it works about as well as bathing a cat) and was having a spirited discussion with someone that i care VERY deeply about over some personal things. About that same time, a song came on the radio..specifically, Garth Brooks "mom" and it killed me. See, Back in December if you remember, i lost my daughter to suicide and that song had just come out when i found out about her. I haven't done a stellar job dealing with my grief over her as i have 3.5 other kids and a husband and a life..and i haven't taken care of myself like i need to. Well, guess what...i lost it. And then my friend, who didn't realize what was going on here (they're over a hundred miles away) kept going on this little discussion we were having and i snapped. I was in over my head with so much crap that i went off. And i couldn't pull myself out. They couldn't handle it and very politely told me so. It was a move that i completely understand and i do not blame them for one single bit, but it threw me over the edge. In a minute i went from having someone who cares for me in a way that is uniquely us to being alone in that respect. It was more than i could handle. I withdrew. I couldn't quit crying, i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat, all i wanted to do was walk...and i did. Walking might not seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of coping mechanisms, but that brings me to another point..us shinys, we're ridiculously prone to bouts of self destruction when pushed. Alcohol, eating disorders, cutting, promiscuity, drugs..the list goes on and on. I walked to keep myself from the alcohol. I walked to keep me from playing with the knives that would let me feel something besides the pain i was feeling. I was beyond screwed up. I needed help and couldn't get it. I knew I had to pull myself up out of this, but i had no idea how. All i wanted was them back. It was a feeling of hopelessness and complete despair that, unless you've been thru it, you can't ever imagine. 

I had some well meaning people try to cheer me up..honestly, it made it worse. I tried to apologize for things that had been said, but this friend, god love them, they'll see every bit i'm screwed up and raise it a notch. To care about someone who has add is to care about a bunch of mice on meth..you can't predict what we're going to do, but honestly, neither can we. I had to feel every bit of grief and ride every single wave. I had to cry so hard i couldn't keep what little food i was eating down and have perfect strangers ask if i was ok when i was crying out on my walks. I had to shut out my family because as much as they love me, they don't have a clue what's going on in my head most days and i wasn't in the mental shape to make them understand it now. there's just no adequate way to put in to words what was going on. no, i had to isolate myself and figure this out. Looking back, there was ONE person i SHOULD'VE reached out to..there's one person who has had my back unconditionally since we were kids..and in typical shiny fashion, I didn't reach out to them til last night. They knew i'd come to them eventually, i always do, i always have. I am grateful to know that they love me and aren't afraid to admit it. I am trying to make a date to just veg and curl up and sleep through some stupid horror movies like we used to do when one of us was upset. I desperately need the peace and comfort that comes from a long time connection and a ritual..no matter how stupid it is. My husband, god love him, sees that need and knows its nothing personal...i need time with the only person on the planet who understands me completely and seeing as i'm a fairly complex little squirrel, he's glad to have someone else take the reigns when i get to be too much. This person can calm me down like no one else has ever been able to and my husband is grateful..he can tell when we've talked, i just feel better. 

Back to last week. My friend...well, we have a fairly complex dynamic some days. Its never going to change and i don't want it to. They don't see in themselves what i've seen in them for god..over 25 years. They swear they've changed but what has always attracted me to them is their heart. They may have a head of iron and drive me completely insane, but they're good people at the end of the day. My word is better, more beautiful when they're in it and a complete and utter mess when we're arguing. When i finally yanked myself out of where i was, i may have posted a few expletive laced posts on facebook..yes, they were completely directed at them. They eventually figured it out and we're trying like hell to work things out, but here's the thing..us shinys, we can't remember what we had for breakfast..but every god damned stupid thing we've ever said or done? yup, we're gonna remember them and beat ourselves up over them FOREVER. There's rarely a need to punish a shiny, we'll take care of that ourselves thank you very much. If i hear the words "stop it" or "stop over thinking things" one more god damned time, my head is going to explode. I trip over things i said last week and i beat myself up for causing them pain.i will continue to punish myself for this til the day i die..its my nature.  I still cry, but its not like it was last week.

 I love them. I know they're uncomfortable with me saying this and when they see this post, its gonna make their skin crawl, but it is what it is. I've lost a lot of people in my life and the one thing i learned a VERY long time ago is that you never get a second chance to tell someone who you feel. Love is a complex thing and its a bitch. I love my children differently than i love my husband, i love my nieces and nephews differently than i love my brother,i love my cousins differently than i love anyone,  i love my friends hard and i love them to the ends of the earth. Loving means taking the chance that you're gonna get hurt. As a shiny, that's a million times scarier than it is for a normal person. I will never apologize for loving anyone i care about. its a risk i'm going to have to take because the rewards are so great. 

This friend..they inspire me more than they will EVER know. They got me writing again, The preliminary reviews for my little project are crazy. i don't know how i'm going to get them to understand what it means that they got me to follow thru with a dream, but that dream is what saved my life this past week. Literally.

How screwed up was i? i was grasping at reasons to stay here. i went there. i wanted out. rather permanently. this person told me they'd thought about it once..honey, i've thought about it and tried it more than i can count. i'm still here for reasons i don't fully understand, but deep in my soul, the reason is entwined with them. My writing project helped pull me out of the depths. When a bottle of pills chased with a bottle of alcohol sounds like a great idea, sometimes, you just need that one thing..for me it was a short story about 2 old friends and some magic. 

For everything i went through last week, it made me stronger..even though i'm still recovering. I still get stuck in my head. I still over think EVERYTHING. I am a desperate woman. I NEED to get back to where it was..we were so fucking close and there was an ease and understanding that i haven't had in years. There was playful tension and moments of romcom boredom. I thought things were getting better and then i said something stupid last night..IT HAPPENS. I'm so fucking far from perfect its not funny, its gonna happen. I don't deserve to walk on egg shells for the next 25 years, but if thats the price to pay for things, i guess its the price i'm going to have to pay. No one understands why i won't just give up..walk away. Well, find the one person that inspires you to be better. Find the person who ignites a passion in you that you had forgotten about. Find the person who challenges you on every single level..and try to walk away from them. Like it or not, that's what i have in this person and i'll be damned if i'm going away without fighting for my life. 

So, can we please..stop calling add a learning disability? If it were just a learning disability, i assure you last week never would've happened. I am here. I am proud of my add, the good, the bad and at times, the very, very ugly. Add is a mental illness..believe me. There's nothing wrong with admitting it.