Apple and Eve

So, I belong to influenster.com and occasionally they send me stuff to try for free and write about it on my humble blog. Today I got a box of apple and eve organic juices to try. The kids have pretty much decimated the juice boxes we got (lemonade, apple raspberry and fruit punch) and the hubby creature attacked the cherry juice. (I am not a fan of cherry anything) the kids were impressed with the yummy flavors and slightly surprised that I let them have a juice box. The hubs thought the cherry juice was perfect too. Would I buy it? Depends on the price..around here organic translates into expensive. Is it on the list for a treat for the monsters? Definitely! Do I recommend it? Based on the reactions of 3 very happy kids and a happy hubby..yes!

Beach Grandparents

When I was a kid, my parents wisely took us to the Outer Banks for a couple weeks every summer. When we got older, we were allowed to explore the village of Buxton without them. On one of our exploring runs, we stumbled upon The Old Gray House. We met the owners, Dewey and Mary Parr. Those two..wow. Mary was warm and grandmotherly to us, a pack of tourist kids from PA who were out unsupervised. Then there was Dewey. He sat us down and started telling stories of growing up on Hatteras and spending time at his grandparents house..the very house we were sitting at. The very first time I met him, I was convinced that there was nothing he didn't know and I quickly made daily visits to see him and soak up every bit of knowledge that he had to offer. That was some twenty plus years ago..at least. The Old Gray House has always been a must stop on trips to Hatteras and chats with Dewey and Mary have always been the highlight of my visits. I've always held them close to my heart and was so excited when they finally got a Facebook page. (Even if their website is pretty spectacular) Fast forward to 2013..I got word that they had lost their son. Thru constantly checking on them thru social media (and I mean obsessively), I became friends with a good friend of theirs. Sharon and I clicked pretty quickly and soon enough, I was fortunate enough to be accepted as a friend on their private Facebook accounts. What started out as me adoring them when I was a kid has quickly transitioned into my most treasured friendships. I adore them. I am fortunate enough to be able to call them my beach family. They are my beach grandparents. As I write this, my beloved beach grandpa, the one and only Mr.Dewey, is facing melanoma. He's got a couple surgeries coming up soon and I know that if any 84 year old can handle it, it's him and if anyone can handle getting him thru recovery, it's my beach grandma, Gram Mary. These are two people who have touched my life in more ways than they will EVER know and I love them to the moon and back a million times. If you're reading this, pray for them.

If you want to find the most amazing people ever created, look up the old gray house on Facebook or www.outerbanksshells.com

Please..don't tell me you're sorry.

I spent the better part of thursday morning at children's with Benny, his Aunt Steph and his cousin whom he affectionately calls Kitten. Physically, the little monster is absolutely fine, but the reason we all got up at the ungodly hour of 5am and made the 2 hr trek to Wexford was simple..he needed to be seen to determine if our suspicions of him having autism were true before school started. School starts, rather inconveniently, on the 25 and the first available appointment was the 13...at 8:30 in the morning.

When we got to the building (which, is, unfortunately, rather crappily marked) we were LOST. Fortunately, it showed on our faces and a kind gentleman directed us to the correct office where we were relieved to find that yes, we had an appointment there. We met with a very kind psychologist..Benny was not amused with her at first. Hey, he was exhausted, hungry and she was a stranger.This kid is terrified of strangers. His immediate reaction to her was to shut down completely causing her to do my interview and give me some paperwork while she ATTEMPTED to get him to play with her. Um, yeah..not happening. He FREAKED. Wisely, she decided to give us a break while she scored my paperwork and while she was gone, Aunt Steph tried to calm him down..yeah, wasn't happening either. Fortunately, Kitten woke up at the right time and snapped him out of it. By the time the dr came back, he was his usual, adorable, overly concerned with Kitten's well being self. She made herself friendly with Kitten and he decided that maybe, just maybe, she wasn't out to eat him, so he decided to play with her..as long as Kitten and Aunt Steph were nearby and he was allowed to check on Kitten whenever he felt like. I have never relaxed so quickly as i did when he started to play with the dr because i NEEDED that diagnosis and i knew we weren't going to get it the way the morning started.

Long story short, we walked out of the office with a preliminary diagnosis of mild autism with adhd and a recommendation for him to start first grade. The full report won't be ready until school starts, but that little paragraph on a piece of paper is enough to get things started for him and that makes me happy. He's basically a mild, high functioning Aspie with sensory processing disorder and adhd. i am thrilled to finally have my suspicions confirmed and now we can move on and help him be successful.

Now, about the title of this post "please don't tell me you're sorry". When i tell people that he's autistic, the first thing i hear is "i'm so sorry". THERE IS NOTHING TO BE SORRY ABOUT. he has autism, not cancer. He learns differently and has some trouble understanding things and expressing himself. Big deal. He's alive and it won't take much to help him succeed. Kids with autism are a lot of work, but i'm already 6 years into this..i know he's a lot of work. cute, but a lot of work. Kids with autism don't need your pity, neither do their parents. What kids with autism need is a lot of unconditional love and understanding. They need patience and a hand to hold. Their parents need understanding friends because being the friend of an autism parent isn't easy. We CRAVE grownup time without kids, but we're usually too exhausted to do anything about it. We run on caffiene and alcohol...energy to face the day and something to take the edge off of yet another day of being the only one who understands our kids. Our lives are vastly different than parents of normal kids..we can't just get a sitter..i literally have 3 people i can leave him with because he's hard to handle and he has trust issues, so most of the time, it's just easier to stay home. We need friends who understand the difference between a normal kid throwing a temper tantrum and an autistic kid having a meltdown because i assure you, they are NOT the same thing. I have NO patience for tantrums, but a meltdown has to run its course. He's not ill behaved..ask anyone who knows me, i run a tight ship..behavior standards are the same for everyone..HIGH. He has a hard time when he gets overwhelmed and he melts down..watch him in action and you'll see..its not the same as a tantrum. Most folks don't understand this. Life as a puzzle piece family is interesting, at times, crazy difficult, but its also a lot of fun. Most of the autistic kiddos I know are so full of love and they WANT to please..they just have a hard time figuring out how to do it. I'm not asking for you to feel sorry for me when i tell you he's autistic, i'm explaining to you why he's acting in a way that to you doesn't seem normal.

As of Thursday, August 13, we joined the global puzzle piece family. Its a family I am proud of. I've known in my heart for a while that we were going to be a part of it, but I had to have it on paper. Its not just my journey now..its my husband's, our older kids, our siblings and their families, my parents and my huge, crazy, loving extended family's journey now too. As they all come to terms with this whole puzzle thing, give them a hug, buy them a drink, but please..don't tell them you're sorry.

We were supposed to shove off at 3am one october friday morning. the plan was to get out of town before the school busses got going and things got crazy. thursday was a day of planning, packing, loading the van and getting the monsters to and from school. My best friend and i were going to be doing all of the driving and navigating for the trip. 14 solid hours on the road stood between us and the beach. we had planned on getting some sleep that thursday too, but we were too wound up and by the time the hubby called to say he was leaving work early, we had decided to leave as soon as he got home and changed his clothes. the kids were pinging and we knew that no one was gonna sleep anyway. the van was loaded, the kids were in their jammies (so were we..we had children to embarrass after all) and in their respective seats. the first round of caffinated beverages was placed within reach and we were ready as soon as he got home.

After a quick stop at her parents to say good bye (we had borrowed their van), we hit the road. I have never been so thankful for unlimited data in my life. I used google maps the whole way down and my facebook kept me awake so that i could keep her awake. The hubs was in charge of taking care of the kids. how many kids you ask? 4. ages 12, 7, 5 and 2. We had a van full. We had plans to stop when the van got to a half tank because my dad had warned me of a couple stretches on the route where there wasn't a gas station to be had for a couple hundred miles and cell service was questionable in a couple places too (hellooo...west virginia anyone?). When going to the beach, i usually go to delaware and crash with unsuspecting family for a night, then make the 6 hour trip to the outer banks the next day. not only were we not sleeping this trip, we were going on a route that i was largely unfamiliar with. It was going to be one hell of an adventure. 

We stopped in Barkeyville at the Sheetz because this chick needed coffee..GOOD coffee and this was going to be the last of it i'd see for two weeks. if you wanted a good laugh, you should've been there. i had on fuzzy sesame street pj pants, a spongebob tshirt and my hair was in pig tails. my bestie was dressed the same way. the kids were MORTIFIED that they had to make a potty run with us looking like that (mission accomplished). After the coffee run, we hit the road again and i think we were in the middle of west by god virginia when the hubs woke up...he had to go to the bathroom. the idiot thought we were gonna pull over. um....no. there were no lights of ANY kind on that road, he could wait until we found a rest stop and got gas again. turned out he waited until we got into virginia (oops).

Now, anytime the bestie and i get together, its an adventure. Nonstop giggles await the poor person who is stuck with us. this trip..it was even more interesting because we were over sugared, over caffinated and under slept. All was fine until we got near Hampton Roads Virginia. we follwed a toys r us driver who mustve been more tired that we were (it was maybe 1am) and all was fine until he tried to run us off the road for the third time. I looked at her and told her to put her foot into it, i was NOT getting stuck in one of the tunnels when he wrecked. the kids were asleep and i had to pee. now, i'm used to travelling, and can hold my caffeine pretty well, but that guy..lord. he scared the crap out of us one too many times. we passed him and when we had put a safe distance between us, we LOST it laughing..so hard that we woke up my oldest who informed us that there were people who were trying to sleep and could we please shut up. yeah...that backfired because we lost it even harder. 

If you've never been to Hatteras Island, you don't know the joys of crossing the Herbert C Bonner Bridge. it is, without a doubt, one of the most unsafe bridges in the country (its actually ranked worse than the Chesapeake Bay Bridge and Tunnels) due to its age..long story, ask me and i'll write a post about that whole mess. I kinda kept the part about how bad the bridge was to myself..i didn't want to scare my now exhausted driver. Oh, yeah..as we were crossing the bridge, my mom called to tell me that she was going to buy lunchables for the kids to eat when we got there (we were going to land down there around 4pm according to the orignial plans). I laughed and asked her when she was going to go get breakfast..she said around 7. I asked her if she minded waiting because we kinda left at 4pm the night before and i was in desperate need of coffee and pastry. Yeah..i'm 36..i was in a WORLD of trouble for that one. I didn't tell her because i didn't want to worry her. She wouldn't have slept and i needed SOMEONE to watch the kids when i eventually crashed from sheer exhaustion. 

By the time the sun was rising, i had posted that i was home. i consider that island my home. its where my heart and soul belong. well, guess who got into trouble again? yup..i had also neglected to tell my beach parents and beach grandparents that i was leaving earlier. hell hath no fury like worried beach family. oy. We had crossed the lego bridge (aka the new, new inlet bridge..thank you hurricane irene) over an on again, off again inlet in the Pea Island refuge. (its an army bridge..is supposedly temporary and scared the crap out of my bestie) There had also been torrential rain shortly before we got there and there was water everywhere. Hell of a way to welcome the girl to the island!

As i'm getting into trouble all around for not telling anyone of our little adventure, we finally arrive at the parental units house (well, their rental anyway)..we left early to squeeze out another day in paradise and ya know what? i wouldn't change a single thing about that road trip. it felt absolutely perfect and theres no one else i'd stuff 4 kids, a spousal unit and a bunch of stuff in a mini van with and drive 14 hours on no sleep.

this little post was inspired by my friends over at finish the sentence friday. i'm co-hosting our weekly blog hop this week with my good friends Kristi Campbell and Kerri Ames.

http://new.inlinkz.com/view.php?id=539178" title="click to view in an external page.">An InLinkz Link-up

This summer is starting off with a bang..and a snap..and a pop..and an ouch.

the minions have been off of school for summer break, or parent torture, for a solid week now. about 3 days into the hostage situation, one of us ended up with a broken toe, 2 scraped knees, an elbow that looks like hamburger, a case of shock....yep, it was me. this is how it happened.

Wednesday was a mild enough day, only a few choruses of "i'm bored..stop touching me" from the minions. fed the crabbies, dug out the 55 because i thought (wrongly) that one of them had died..still don't know that the issue was, but it stunk. BAD. sifted 210lbs of sand TWICE to make sure that i didn't miss any dead (and therefore REALLY stinky) crabbie type family members. got that tat put back together with everyone back where they belonged. decided to take 5 and some advil to recover from that little escapade when the furry, barking family members decided that they wanted to go out. Fine, i got their bark collars on them and proceeded to put them in the outdoor kennel. well, Stupid decided he didn't want to go in there and took off on me. little jerk only got as far as the neighbor's ac unit when something spooked him and he headed back towards me. the oldest minion yelled at him and he came by me so i made a grab for him. an ill fated grab for him. i missed. he, wisely, ran into the house (with my oldest right behind him). yup, i face planted right into the gravel of my driveway. thankfully, the oldest saw me, came right over to me, took my phone out of my back pocket (because he knows i'd cry if i killed my brand new phone) and helped me roll over. by this time, i was shaking..shit, i knew what was going on..i helped my hubby study for his first responder class. i was in shock. i quickly elevated my legs on my son and kept talking as i laid down and waited for the shaking to pass, which it did pretty quickly. i knew my toe was busted so i had him take my sneaks off and sure enough..it was black and blue and somehow, cut in two places as well. that explained the shakes. i sat up (with help) and looked towards the house. it was only about 3 feet away. might as well have been a mile. he helped me gimp to the recliner and quickly set about cleaning me up (i looked like a toddler who was learning to walk on the gravel). by this time, the hubs was texting me on his lunch break as usual when i asked him to call me. i told him what happened and he did as good of an assessment on me as he could from 20 miles away. i'd live, but was given strict orders to take some advil, drink lots of water, ice and elevate the foot and oh, yeah..do NOT nap. i sent a friend a text and she came up to check on me and hang out for a while in case i needed to go to the er. (no, i never ended up going..its the joy of having medical people in your contacts list) by the time the hubs had gotten home from work, i was miserable, but he surmised that i'd live. didn't sleep real well wed night..thursday sucked, today..well, i'm miserable. had to go pay the mortgage and go get supplies (its payday). that involved way too much walking for me. as i type this, i'm sitting on the front porch because its too blasted hot in the house, my foot is elevated and iced and i'm drinking lemonadade. the older you get, you realize its not the fall itself that hurts..its that quick stop on something hard that does! if this is how my summer is going to go, i'm going to need an air conditioned bubble!

Welcome to another installment of my favorite weekly blogging chore (and the only blog post i've managed to get up this week.. sorry guys)..FINISH THE SENTENCE FRIDAY!!! This week's crazy prompt is: after a hard day's work.

Some days, after a really hard day of picking up after ungrateful beings, i really kinda just wish i lived the life my cats have. i mean, think about it. they have their own staff, they sleep all day, play all night (assuming they have any desire to move), they can be as bitchy as they want whenever they want and people never bat an eye. Cats have it great! Take Spike for example. she's the new Queen in the colony, replacing her royal highness Queen Nermal after Nermie died right before thanksgiving. She's 6 years old and has never caught a mouse in her life. Spoiled much? well, lets see..her highness demands a dish of milk every saturday (caturday), she only likes to lick the tomato sauce off of PEPPERONI pizza, you don't dare say the word bath around her or you'll get "the look". The best spot in the house to sleep (as decided by the cats) is my middle son's bed. Yup, she has chased every single one of the other cats off of it and claimed it for herself. if she knocks something over, she gives you that "i'm a cat. i'm cute and superior to you. deal with it slave" look and sure enough, you pick up whatever she knocked over and pet her...like the slave that you are. I'm currently getting the look because the kittens are in my room eating..you guessed it, kitten food. guess who thinks it belongs to her. my husband, who HATES air conditioning, just put the big ac unit in the dining room because SPIKE might get hot and need me to turn it on. no mention of how the heat screws with me and makes me sick..noo, he's more worried about poor spike than me. Thats how its always been around here. we work hard so that our cats can have the best life pawsible. Hell, they even boss the dogs around. Big, "viscious" pittbull mix? eh, he's trained. they rule him. if he's on the ottoman and thats where one of them wants to be, he moves. that spot on the floor that he just made comfortable for himself? theirs if they want it. the water dish? he waits for them to finish. He out weighs them by a good 50lbs, but you'd never know it to watch them interact. they don't care if they put weight on..no such thing as swim suit season for them, workouts are something they DON'T do and laugh at us for doing. after all, they don't get fat, they get fluffy! That short night of sleep? yep..23.75 hrs isn't enough and guess what...they don't care. if there is one kibble placed the wrong way in their dish, they'll meow pathetically until we slaves show up to fix the issue. they've got it great and that's why, after a hard day's work, i really, really..just want to be a cat.

FTSF..it started in the line at the grocery...

its friday which means its FINISH THE SENTENCE FRIDAY!!! (aka the one day of the week i actually glue myself to the chair long enough to write a blog post) this week's topic is "it started in the line at the grocery" this should be good!

it was an adventure in itself..we had made a 3 hr drive to the west virgina line to pick up some hermit crabs that needed a new home. It was a kinda last minute trip and i had grabbed the only clothes that were clean..a tank top, a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans. Figuring we wouldn't be running into anyone that we actually knew, i was safe. my bestie didn't look much better as she had picked me up after she had gotten off work..at the pet store down town. now, for normal people, a 6 hr round trip to pick up 3 little crabbies would be insane, but well, we're not normal and we do this kind of stupid thing all the time. after we met the young lady who we picked up the "kids" from, we decided to check out the walmart down there since we were bored anyway and not in a hell of a hurry. we grabbed some snacks for the drive home and while we were waiting in line (why the hell walmart has 20 checkouts and only ever has one open is beyond me) we were talking about an old friend from high school who i had been texting while we were on our little adventure. with a gleam in here eye, my bestie decides that we need to go surprise him. I hadn't seen him in 20 years even though we'd been talking on facebook for a couple years. I sent him a text asking him for the name of the town he was working in and like an idiot, he told me (he later told me he should've KNOWN we were up to something). Thank spongebob for google maps. a quick look on there told me we were within driving distance and we'd get there before he got off work. PERFECT! fired off a couple texts home to let the hubs know what we were up to (no, it didn't surprise him in the slightest) and off we went. I was playing over caffinated navigator and keeping up the texts as if nothing was going on. it was all fun and games til we got within, oh..a half hr of him and the goober decides to see where i'm at (stupid facebook location services). "you're WHERE?" um..don't worry about it was my response. "how long til you get here?"" um..how the hell am i supposed to know..i don't even know where we are, its dark and ohio is FLAT. it all looks the same. you're the genius who busted me..figure it out." somehow, we managed to get there in one piece despite HYSTERICAL laughter on our our parts. we even made it in to the store and clear to the back before he busted us because i was laughing so hard i couldn't see straight. I heard him coming up behind me and KNEW i was in trouble. all i heard was "busted" and then HE started laughing (no, i don't even know what we were laughing at). he politely asked us not to make too big of a mess in there til he got off work and then we'd go get something to eat. i have no idea how we managed to behave ourselves for an hour..oh wait..we followed him around and basically drove him crazy (he didn't say we couldn't annoy HIM for an hour) and then we went out for coffee and caught up on 20 years before we made the 100 mile drive home..at 1am! It was the second most fun thing my bestie and i have ever done (except for that 14 hr drive to the beach in october that we made with the hubs and all 4 kids..on no sleep) and it all started in the checkout line at a walmart in the middle of nowhere, somewhere near the wva line!

 **disclaimer** i was, am and always will be the girl who has more guy friends than girlfriends. this particular friend i've known most of my life and is a brother from another mother. time has a way of separating us and facebook has a way of bringing us back together. the fact that we went about 200 miles out of our way to surprise him for no real reason was absolutely not surprising to my husband. in fact, he would've been more surprised if we hadn't done it. I've been to hell and back in the last 5 months. going to see this friend was exactly what i needed to do and i'd do it again in a heartbeat. 

Passion

A while ago, a well meaning friend (yes guys, THAT friend) told me i needed to find my passion in life. Well, see, what that loveable idiot has never understood is that life is too short for me to have just one thing i'm passionate about. I'm passionate about my kids, my nieces and nephews, lgbt rights, suicide prevention, all things fire service, my family, my friends, my hermit crabs, add/adhd awareness..lots of stuff.

Today, i need to tell you guys about something important that has quickly consumed my life the last few days. I'm helping my beach mommy promote a basket raffle to benefit a friend of hers on Hatteras Island (another passion of mine) who has stage 3 lung cancer. There's almost $3000 of amazingly cool stuff in this thing (the picnic blanket was made by yours truly) including, get this..4 days in paradise, including a $250 visa gift card that you can use for your gas money and a bunch of restaurant gift cards. Yup...for a $2 ticket, you could land in paradise for a few blissful days AND get a warm and fuzzy feeling knowing that you've helped a worthy family meet their expenses for a while.

Please, go to https://www.facebook.com/beachbasketfundraiser

A very belated Happy Mother's Day to any moms who happen to follow this little blog. If your kids are human or furry, or fishy, or crabbie or lizardy, it matters not..you're a mom and i hope yours was a spectacular one. I spent the day chasing the youngest son around the house as it was his birthday and when its Mothers day and his birthday, well, you know exactly what comes first. Today, since the monsters are all in school, I'm celebrating in the best possible way. sitting on my front porch with the computer and a cup of iced coffee..in silence!

Yesterday was a touch rough on me as well. This is a year of firsts for me and yesterday was my first Mother's Day without my Lexie. It was her first in heaven and i know that i am not alone in missing my baby bunnie something terrible. She left behind a momma, a sister, aunts and a crazy group of her internet moms, the Bunnie Moms. She meant something different to each of us and to me, she was the brightest star in my galaxy. I know I post a lot about her, but I'm only 36..i haven't ever walked this path before and quite frankly, some days, i don't know what i'm doing. I write about her to help me figure things out without going crazy and annoying my friends because as much as they love me, they don't have a clue what i'm going thru and honestly, i don't wish this on anyone.

Speaking of daughters, i do have another adopted daughter that i rarely talk about and i owe her a huge apology because i am terribly proud of her as well. I've known her for the last 11 years and damn..she's a lot like my Lex. What Cheryl has overcome is amazing and for her to be where she is now is nothing short of amazing. I used to beat myself up for not being able to get her out of where she was. Lord knows i tried, but it wasn't happening. My girl, she's a fighter and a survivor and she makes this momma proud EVERY single day. Please. go check her out at cityangel90.wordpress.com you won't be disappointed!

And i just got word that i'm spending tomorrow with 4 of my favorite people (3 are under 6!) so i'd better get off of this pile of microchips and get stuff done..stuff i was putting off for tomorrow. (oops)

FTSF: No one was around when it happened..

Hi guys! Welcome to Finish the Sentence Friday. Its basically a really cool blog hop that I TRY to do every week with some other awesome bloggers on facebook. Well, guess what? I'm co hosting this week. I am pathetically excited about this. Our topic this week is No one was around when it happened and i can't wait to see what everyone comes up with!

So, what's my story? Oh sweet spongebob..I've got a million of them. I think this week, I'll go sentimental. The coolest thing that ever happened to me when no one else was around was when my youngest son finally started talking. He's got add like me and unlike me, he's also on the spectrum. Sensory processing and probably aspbergers (we're still in the process of getting him diagnosed). The poor little guy RARELY spoke until he started kindergarten this year. You know how when kids are around 1 and they start saying Mama and Dada? Yeah...didn't happen with him until he was 2. He just didn't talk. We honestly didn't think anything of it at first because he's the youngest of 3 and his big brothers would talk for him all of the time. They still read his mind...the difference is now, he gets MAD when they talk for him. But, anyway, back to the prompt.

I had given him a bath one day when his brothers were at school. He had dumped powder all over himself again (his favorite past time..still is) and we had to go get groceries. I was talking to him and after i got him out of the tub, i sat him on the floor in his room and went to get the clothes i had laid out for him when all of a sudden i hear the sweetest voice saying "momma, come back". 3 little words that had me bawling instantly. I tried to get him to say it again and he looked at me like "seriously? I am NOT a trained elephant..i won't do tricks on command". Of course, his dad was at work, his brothers were at school. It was just us and the cats. When he called me, his favorite kitty came in to see what was wrong with her kid. For the longest time, if he said "momma, come back" he was actually calling KittyKitty. It worked and he was happy, but he wouldn't do it if anyone was around. It was an entire year before he'd say anything around his brothers and dad. Now, he won't shut up (I'm not complaining) and he actually calls KittyKitty by calling for her, not me. He's a pretty awesome kid and I'm so proud of how far he's come in recent years, especially this year.

As long as I'm talking about my kids, this week was a toughie. My Angel Daughter's 23rd birthday was Monday and it was her first as an angel. I spent the day in tears when no one was around. i couldn't help it and believe me, i learned the hard way to just accept the feeling and ride it out. well, Monday afternoon was beautiful here and i needed to get outside and just be for a while before i went nuts. I went out and laid down on a blanket in the sun. A fly landed on me (some people like butterflies, but that girl was everywhere and right after she died, her dad was invaded by a fly that refused to leave him..so, when i see a fly, its my baby) and i heard her giggle. She had the most amazing giggle when she was up to something. I didn't hear the giggle in my head..i heard it as clear as i hear my kids talk. She was visiting me and trying to get me to laugh again. Of course, being half nuts myself, that fly and i had a long talk. Yes, i talked to a fly. Go ahead and laugh. I told her how much i miss her and love her and that i am trying to get back to giggling because its what made her happy. I am so grateful that no one was around to see me talking to a fly that was on my hand!

Want to link up to this? click here

http://new.inlinkz.com/view.php?id=523961" title="click to view in an external page.">An InLinkz Link-up

Happy Birthday in Heaven

May 4..i can't do the corny star wars jokes anymore. well, maybe next year, but not this year. This year, i need to celebrate the life of someone who isn't here anymore and I'm not quite sure how to do it. The pain of her loss is still incredibly fresh and well, i've never done this before. i've never celebrated a birthday of a child who isn't here anymore. Until that fateful day in december, i have never been a parent of a child who is gone. I'm not alone. Her Bunnie Moms, every single one of them are feeling this loss with me, today and every day. There were a couple of us closer to her than others, but make no mistake, she was all of ours.

Lexie, sweetheart, I know you're not happy with me right now. I know you're watching me try to get thru today without crying for you and its not working. I've been a basket case since my feet hit the floor. I've dreaded today and you know it. I know you're ok and i'm grateful for that knowledge, but i can't help it baby, i want you here to celebrate your 23rd earth birthday, not your first birthday as an angel. I know its selfish. You were in pain and you did what you had to do to feel better and be at peace and today, as i reflect on the 7 years that you blessed me with and the beautiful grandbunnie you gave me, i am sad sweetheart, not mad. The price of great love is always great loss and you, my angel, you were my greatest love and my most devastating loss. You chose me. You allowed me to love you like you were my own, through the good times and the bad, you let me in and even though you never truly understood love, you knew that i loved you, you know that i continue to love you. What you're not understanding baby is that though you are at peace, those of us you left here, we're doing our best to move forward, but some days are rougher than others. this is a year of firsts for us without you and today is the toughest first. Ry's birthday will be another rough one. We'll get through them and strive every day to make you as proud of us as we are of you,

As you're up there in heaven looking down at us today, please know that the tears we shed are bittersweet. They're sweet because we love you and they're bitter because we miss you more than you will ever understand. I'm taking today to just be still and recharge. Taking care of me today is the best possible way i can think of to honor you..the one who inspired me and taught me more than you'll ever know. I just wanted to wish you the very happiest of birthdays in heaven. May you play with the stars that were always in your eyes.

I love you Lexie Lynn Merrill. today and every day, forever and always.

FTSF..I used to love this but now i hate it

I'm a weird one, but if you're reading this, you're already aware of that. You know what i really used to love as a kid, but can't stand now? Bubble baths. I don't know if its because the older i get, getting into the tub is just a huge pain or what, but i would rather take a long shower than soak in a bubble bath any day of the week. I have friends that are constantly telling me how relaxing it is and i'm just over here like "eh." a 15 minute shower for me is heaven. I also can't stand the stuff you have to put in the water to get those bubbles. They are all so perfumey and stinky. I mean, who comes up with these scents? its like something out of an old lady's dream. ((shudders at the thought)) Yuck. Just yuck. So there, dear bloggers..short and sweet..i hate bubble baths! Cant wait to see what ya'll come up with.

Brothers

Growing up,I could count on one hand how many girlfriends i had. Maybe 2 or 3 at most, maybe. Sure, i had girls who hung around, but they were usually interested in my brother and were using me to get to him. I've had a lot of the same guy friends since preschool. Seriously. They were the ones who got me through elementary school.  When I was in 6th grade, i got really lucky and fell into this amazing group of guys who, to this day, i consider to be my brothers. We may not talk all of the time and we have managed to loose touch over time and of course, reconnected through facebook. These are the guys that i trust more than anyone. True, i'm closer to some of them than others, to one above everyone, but these guys, they made me who i am..the mother, wife, auntie and friend that i am. They continue to push me to be a better person every day of our lives. I have watched these guys grow from annoying kids to absolutely amazing men. In recent years, we've shared more than our fair share of joy..marriages, the births of our amazing kids, our kids proudest moments. We've also shared our fair share of heartbreaks too. Most of us have had our first go at marriage fall apart around us, we've lost friends and classmates, most of us have lost grandparents, some of us have lost parents and at least one of us has felt the unimaginable loss of a child. These guys are my heart and soul. Every good thing in my life is the result of having grown up with them and as i get older, i know what's important. Friends are the family that you chose for yourself and i made some damn good decisions way back then. Do we still fight? oh hell yeah. Do I drive them to the brink of insanity? of course..its a gift i have. Football season is a bitch. I'm the only one of us with good taste in teams. I have no idea where i went wrong with these guys, but they have absolutely terrible taste in teams. I know for a fact that they think the exact same thing about me...we ride each other about it all the time. The thing is, when i talk to any of these guys, about anything..i feel better. these are the guys who will never lie to me. If i'm being over dramatic, you better believe i'll hear about it. if i'm upset and have valid reason, they get protective. these guys are the men i hope my sons grow up to become. See, as we get older (most of us are sneezing at the big 40), life changes. You go through stuff and you look back at how you got where you are. The road isn't always pleasant, but you see who was there with you. Being the guys girl that i am, rarely have i had occasion to tell them how proud i am of them and how much i love them, so i'm doing that now.

Peace found

I took a weekend road trip with my best friend this weekend. Well, actually it was 24 blissful hours away from the hubby and kids. We went to southern ohio to meet up with a gentleman and his daughter to adopt their hermit crabs. Yep, hermit crabs. Looks like we're getting into the rescue end of owning crabbies, but that's another story..maybe i'll get to it later today, maybe i'll save it for another day.

Anyways, we needed this. I've been making changes in my life since my little "mental health slip up" and part of these changes has included doing things that people don't necessarily think I can do. This road trip was part of it. It was 3 hrs one way to SE OH and then another 3 hrs (ish) up to NE OH. Why the hell did we go to NE OH? Pretty simple. I have an old friend who lives there. An old friend who I desperately needed to clear the air with. See, this old friend is the same friend i posted about the last time i posted and things were getting mean between us. They swear things weren't, but i assure you, they were bad and i almost walked away. I didn't want to..it would've killed me, so..i gave them one last chance to hear me out and to talk. As luck would have it, they had worked the night before, spent all day with their significant other and forgot i was coming into town..more correctly, they had their head up their ass for a week and didn't think i'd actually do it. I ALMOST  didn't call them to let them know I had landed safely and was splurging on a fairly pricey hotel room (totally worth it btw) for the night, but another dear friend kinda made me do it and i am so grateful they did.

I wanted to see them, but like i said, they were exhausted and snippy, so i settled for a phone call and text messages while i was relaxing in the hotel room. I laughed, i got mad, i got frustrated, i apologized for some things, told them i owe them a bigger apology for a couple things (i feel very strongly that i need to do this) but that would have to be on a private phone call (best friend was with me) or better yet, face to face, but i laid my cards out on the table and I found PEACE. No matter how crazy we drive each other, no matter how mad i make them or vice versa, i am now content with the knowledge that we're not going anywhere, no matter what the other thinks. I needed that. I needed to know that they still cared, i mean, i knew it, but i needed to hear it from them. See, I've got most of my life wrapped up with this person and yes, we missed a few years because, well, life happened, but i treasure our friendship, they are like a sibling to me..lord knows we fight like siblings. I couldn't just walk away, no matter how much very well meaning people tried to get me to. I love them. They irritate me, annoy the crap out of me, they inspire me, they teach me (whether or not they realize it..i do get the hints most of the time) and most importantly, they make me want to be a better version of myself..for my husband, my kids and me. I've made some pretty dramatic life changes in the last few weeks and its because of their encouragement..both direct and indirect. I want to keep moving forward and make them proud.

We will never see eye to eye on a lot of things and that's ok, because it makes things fun and interesting. I don't want them to change for me and i refuse to change my heart for them, becoming better doesn't mean i won't still be my goofy, loveable, slightly bitchy self..it means i want to make better use of who i am, this gift i was given. We love other football teams and hate each others teams with an unholy passion. I love their dog (they don't understand this, but he's the most awesome thing on 4 feet and i can't help it, i'm an animal lover), i drive them crazy.

I'm proud of them and the life changes that they've made over the last couple years. Especially the ones they're making now. I know how their story ends..well, i hope i got it right when i wrote it down. (another long story) if i'm right, they're gonna owe me big time! There's magic here..a magic that gave me back a love i had forgotten, magic that reminded me of my true self (someone i had lost and missed terribly) and magic that is giving me the courage to move forward when i want to curl up in a ball and hide.

The moral of this story? Sometimes, you have to take crazy risks, do stupid things and when you know in your heart that something, someONE is worth fighting for, no matter what others say, you have to to just do it..go with your heart and fight for it or them. I took the risk, I fought the battle..the war isn't over yet, but i'm in this for the long haul. I fought for the ability to find the peace I desperately needed with this person and I found it. You never know until you try!

Reflections

When you have add, it comes with a lot of good, and ..a lot of bad. I've been pretty lucky that i've always been able to deal with more of the positive side of it. That all changed last week when I had a much needed though really shitty timed nervous break down. See, Add is a mental illness. I don't care how much sugar coating we do to it and say its a learning disability. It affects soo much more than just our ability to just learn things. It affects how we do EVERYTHING. Romances, children, friendships, work..it affects our ability to do every single thing we need to do. To keep calling it a learning disability does a huge disservice to what i just survived and I assure you, I'm not the only Shiny Squirrel out there who is dealing with it on a day to day basis, I'm just one with a blog and with that blog comes the opportunity to share what happened so that others can learn from it. 

Last week, I got stuck in my own head, as us shinys are prone to do (so don't tell us to quit over thinking...it works about as well as bathing a cat) and was having a spirited discussion with someone that i care VERY deeply about over some personal things. About that same time, a song came on the radio..specifically, Garth Brooks "mom" and it killed me. See, Back in December if you remember, i lost my daughter to suicide and that song had just come out when i found out about her. I haven't done a stellar job dealing with my grief over her as i have 3.5 other kids and a husband and a life..and i haven't taken care of myself like i need to. Well, guess what...i lost it. And then my friend, who didn't realize what was going on here (they're over a hundred miles away) kept going on this little discussion we were having and i snapped. I was in over my head with so much crap that i went off. And i couldn't pull myself out. They couldn't handle it and very politely told me so. It was a move that i completely understand and i do not blame them for one single bit, but it threw me over the edge. In a minute i went from having someone who cares for me in a way that is uniquely us to being alone in that respect. It was more than i could handle. I withdrew. I couldn't quit crying, i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat, all i wanted to do was walk...and i did. Walking might not seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of coping mechanisms, but that brings me to another point..us shinys, we're ridiculously prone to bouts of self destruction when pushed. Alcohol, eating disorders, cutting, promiscuity, drugs..the list goes on and on. I walked to keep myself from the alcohol. I walked to keep me from playing with the knives that would let me feel something besides the pain i was feeling. I was beyond screwed up. I needed help and couldn't get it. I knew I had to pull myself up out of this, but i had no idea how. All i wanted was them back. It was a feeling of hopelessness and complete despair that, unless you've been thru it, you can't ever imagine. 

I had some well meaning people try to cheer me up..honestly, it made it worse. I tried to apologize for things that had been said, but this friend, god love them, they'll see every bit i'm screwed up and raise it a notch. To care about someone who has add is to care about a bunch of mice on meth..you can't predict what we're going to do, but honestly, neither can we. I had to feel every bit of grief and ride every single wave. I had to cry so hard i couldn't keep what little food i was eating down and have perfect strangers ask if i was ok when i was crying out on my walks. I had to shut out my family because as much as they love me, they don't have a clue what's going on in my head most days and i wasn't in the mental shape to make them understand it now. there's just no adequate way to put in to words what was going on. no, i had to isolate myself and figure this out. Looking back, there was ONE person i SHOULD'VE reached out to..there's one person who has had my back unconditionally since we were kids..and in typical shiny fashion, I didn't reach out to them til last night. They knew i'd come to them eventually, i always do, i always have. I am grateful to know that they love me and aren't afraid to admit it. I am trying to make a date to just veg and curl up and sleep through some stupid horror movies like we used to do when one of us was upset. I desperately need the peace and comfort that comes from a long time connection and a ritual..no matter how stupid it is. My husband, god love him, sees that need and knows its nothing personal...i need time with the only person on the planet who understands me completely and seeing as i'm a fairly complex little squirrel, he's glad to have someone else take the reigns when i get to be too much. This person can calm me down like no one else has ever been able to and my husband is grateful..he can tell when we've talked, i just feel better. 

Back to last week. My friend...well, we have a fairly complex dynamic some days. Its never going to change and i don't want it to. They don't see in themselves what i've seen in them for god..over 25 years. They swear they've changed but what has always attracted me to them is their heart. They may have a head of iron and drive me completely insane, but they're good people at the end of the day. My word is better, more beautiful when they're in it and a complete and utter mess when we're arguing. When i finally yanked myself out of where i was, i may have posted a few expletive laced posts on facebook..yes, they were completely directed at them. They eventually figured it out and we're trying like hell to work things out, but here's the thing..us shinys, we can't remember what we had for breakfast..but every god damned stupid thing we've ever said or done? yup, we're gonna remember them and beat ourselves up over them FOREVER. There's rarely a need to punish a shiny, we'll take care of that ourselves thank you very much. If i hear the words "stop it" or "stop over thinking things" one more god damned time, my head is going to explode. I trip over things i said last week and i beat myself up for causing them pain.i will continue to punish myself for this til the day i die..its my nature.  I still cry, but its not like it was last week.

 I love them. I know they're uncomfortable with me saying this and when they see this post, its gonna make their skin crawl, but it is what it is. I've lost a lot of people in my life and the one thing i learned a VERY long time ago is that you never get a second chance to tell someone who you feel. Love is a complex thing and its a bitch. I love my children differently than i love my husband, i love my nieces and nephews differently than i love my brother,i love my cousins differently than i love anyone,  i love my friends hard and i love them to the ends of the earth. Loving means taking the chance that you're gonna get hurt. As a shiny, that's a million times scarier than it is for a normal person. I will never apologize for loving anyone i care about. its a risk i'm going to have to take because the rewards are so great. 

This friend..they inspire me more than they will EVER know. They got me writing again, The preliminary reviews for my little project are crazy. i don't know how i'm going to get them to understand what it means that they got me to follow thru with a dream, but that dream is what saved my life this past week. Literally.

How screwed up was i? i was grasping at reasons to stay here. i went there. i wanted out. rather permanently. this person told me they'd thought about it once..honey, i've thought about it and tried it more than i can count. i'm still here for reasons i don't fully understand, but deep in my soul, the reason is entwined with them. My writing project helped pull me out of the depths. When a bottle of pills chased with a bottle of alcohol sounds like a great idea, sometimes, you just need that one thing..for me it was a short story about 2 old friends and some magic. 

For everything i went through last week, it made me stronger..even though i'm still recovering. I still get stuck in my head. I still over think EVERYTHING. I am a desperate woman. I NEED to get back to where it was..we were so fucking close and there was an ease and understanding that i haven't had in years. There was playful tension and moments of romcom boredom. I thought things were getting better and then i said something stupid last night..IT HAPPENS. I'm so fucking far from perfect its not funny, its gonna happen. I don't deserve to walk on egg shells for the next 25 years, but if thats the price to pay for things, i guess its the price i'm going to have to pay. No one understands why i won't just give up..walk away. Well, find the one person that inspires you to be better. Find the person who ignites a passion in you that you had forgotten about. Find the person who challenges you on every single level..and try to walk away from them. Like it or not, that's what i have in this person and i'll be damned if i'm going away without fighting for my life. 

So, can we please..stop calling add a learning disability? If it were just a learning disability, i assure you last week never would've happened. I am here. I am proud of my add, the good, the bad and at times, the very, very ugly. Add is a mental illness..believe me. There's nothing wrong with admitting it. 

Finish the Sentence Friday..Taking over the world

If you're going to take over the world, you really need to ask a child how to do it. I mean, think about it..from the minute you find out that you're pregnant, your world changes and everything you do is about them. No one knows how to take over the world better than a child. I'm not saying its a bad thing, it just is what it is. Don't let that helpless, cute exterior fool you. They know EXACTLY what they're doing. They know exactly which buttons to push and when to push them. They want a bottle, they look at you with those big eyes and fuss..you cave and they get a bottle. As they get bigger, say, toddlers, if they want a toy and you say no, they throw an epic flip fit in the middle of the store, complete with big eyes and tears..you cave, they get the what they want. I realize that there are some fundamental issues here..the biggest being that children eventually grow up to be, well, us. But seriously...when they're little, they KNOW exactly what they're doing. if that isn't a recipe for a first step towards world domination, i don't know what is. However...if that doesn't float your boat, perhaps you should ask a cat. Those balls of fluffy cuteness have this down pat. Remember how they conned us to think that they were gods to be revered in ancient egypt? No? trust me..Fluffy hasn't forgotten it. Kibble dish is missing a piece of kibble? the world is ending. I think i shall meow like i'm hurt and my slave shall appear and remedy this! Sunspot is exactly where my human is working? no problem..i'll just lay on whatever they're doing..after all, its my house, they just pay the bills. I mean, seriously people. Cats have taken over the world..just ask yours!

Emergenc vitamin drink mix review

So..I was all excited  to try this Emergenc  Vitamin  Drink  Mix  that I got to try for free from smiley360.com. I am allergic  to pretty  much any sweeteners besides sugar, honey, good old fashioned high fructose  corn syrup..I can't do the new sweeteners  and the old pink n blue stuff. So, I checked the ingredient  list...yup, sweetened with stuff I can't  have (supposedly  natural, but I get migraines from it). RATS! fortunately, the Hubby creature doesn't share my quirks and was up for reviewing  it for me! (I love that man) the Verdict  is in...we'll  be buying more of it. He loves the taste, the fizz, EVERYTHING. He just  had a mug of the warming variety this am after shoveling the driveway  and he said it warmed him right up. I admit..it smells soo yummy. It'd be perfect  if they'd just go back to using  sugar to sweeten it!

Finish the sentence friday...EPIC FAIL

Whenever I hear the term EPIC FAIL, all I can think of is the beach house we rented this past october. It was a gorgeous house..on paper anyway. When we signed the contract, a year before we got there, it was in great condition and came highly recommended by the realty company and the housekeeping staff (we're friends with some of them). In a year's time, the house had been hit with a hurricane and then went in to foreclosure. Didn't find that little piece of information out til we got there. This house was a mess..why'd we stay? you could sneeze and hit the beach and we had already lugged our stuff up a million flights of stairs before we realized the problems and we weren't doing that again until we left to come home. Pool heater? didn't work. Bedroom door leading to the outside back deck? lock didn't work. Main bathroom? toilet ran all night and the tub was clogged. Window and door screens?  Nonexistent. Main house phone? HIDDEN in an unused bedroom. the line in the kitchen didn't even work!  Kitchen window? couldn't open it without breaking it. Roof? epic leak. Electrical system? great during the day, but at night, you didn't dare plug anything in to charge..it was posessed. Ice maker? frozen over. Dryer? full of sand. Outside showers? mosquito pits. Back wall? COVERED in poison ivy. Handrail going into the ice cube, i mean pool? disconnected. Front deck? kinda scary. (we sat on it anyway) Now, i do have to admit, we got a break on the rent once housekeeping reported the zillion problems we had with the the place and they were apologizing all of the time. There was lots of stuff that they WANTED to fix, but because they had to call in outside vendors, they just couldn't because then THOSE folks wouldn't get paid. it was THAT bad. From what we understood, after the last hurricane, the owners let the house go, but the bank wanted to continue renting it to bring in SOME income and an occupied house shows better than an unoccupied one. We even gave a couple tours, telling a couple prospective buyers EXACTLY what was wrong..one guy said that it needed a couple hundred thousand dollars worth of repairs and i have to admit that i think he was drastically underestimating the cost..i mean, if we could see a couple hundred thousand dollars worth of damage, i'd hate to see what we couldn't see. Yikes. The vacation itself was a BLAST and looking back on it, we laugh hysterically about the things that were going wrong with that dump, i mean house. it truly was one of a kind and we did learn a valuable lesson when renting property...when you sign a contract on a place a year in advance as we always do when renting at the beach, make sure that you get the right to refuse the place if it goes into foreclosure before you get there. Once a bank owns the property, they're not going to do anything beyond basic maintenance and sometimes, that's iffy.

Ink joy pens

So, I told you that occasionally  I'd be writing about cool stuff I get to try out and review from some programs I belong to. Yesterday, I got a pack of ink joy pens in the mail from smiley360.com. I don't get excited  about pens...I usually  buy them at the dollar store. These things are soo stinkin cool. They come in really spiffy colors and write like a dream. They have them in  black  too but I like color..and I like the clicky kind, no caps to loose and it's just fun to click them all day (hellooo..I'm shiny). You really  need to check these things out!

MORE SNOW!!!

As I post this, there's a system moving my way from the south. We're  expecting  snow and ice overnight. I am fully aware where I live...it gets freaking  cold and downright  miserable  this  time of year...and I love  it. I look forward  to it every year. The kids were off for 2 weeks for Christmas  break. So was the hubby. I LOVED IT! that  said, I was very ready for Monday to come and for everyone  to go to work  and school  and to give mommy  a break. It was wonderful..til Wednesday. School was closed (wisely) because  of seriously  subzero  wind chills and crap viability. Thursday, school was delayed   (wisely) because  of serious wind chills that, even when we waited for the bus (wrapped  up in my trusty down comforter) two hrs after the normal time, seriously  sucked. Then came Friday. Hubby was off and I REALLY  wanted a date day. Yup...first came a delay (Damn lake effect snow), then at 7:30 came the dreaded  phone call..school was cancelled. Granted, it was needed, we got 8 inches of snow  and we had to dig out before  we could go anywhere. The kids  have cabin fever and are driving  me NUTS. I love them..I really  do. Mommy just needs a couple days to watch it snow  without  having  to entertain  anyone. And, having  said that, I fully  expect  a cancelation  tomorrow  morning...at 7:30.

Finish the sentence friday-- vote me for president

So..I'm trying  something  new. I'm doing finish the sentence  friday! Today's topic is: Why you should vote for me for president.

You should vote for me for president  because  I'd  make sure your furry family members  count as dependents! Let's face  it, they're  children. You feed them, you pick up after them, you take them to the doctor. You should be able to get a deduction for them!

Schools won't have to make up snow days. Really..what's the point of makeup days? End this nonsense of counting every pesky hour and be more concerned  about  the safety of the students. Where I live, it's all hills  and back  roads and they get nasty in the winter. There would be a lot less pressure  on the  school  admin if they could quit worrying about stupid stuff like that!

Coffee  and  chocolate  will be medical  deductions..let's face it..they're  life saving devices, take that delicious  deduction!

Married  to a fireman or  policeman  ? Take that spa trip once a month...on your health insurance..it's a mental health  issue.

Got  a special  needs kid and need a break? Date night for  you and  a qualified (and ultra  fun) sitter for the kids  are also on your mental  health plan, enjoy that pizza  and nap once a month!

I've  got more fun ideas why I really  should be president, but my campaign  manager  called...he needs more apple juice and can't find his teddybear.

Mommy is sick

I've been fighting  the arrival  of this  stupid virus for a few days now. Today, I had plans..plans that I really  couldn't  cancel. So of course, I woke up at 1 am with a killer  sore throat. Took my trusty meds..got relief. I swear, my head hit  the pillow and I got a call from the school..wonderful..a 2 hr delay. Force myself to get up and dressed at 7..get another  dreaded call...yup, school closed. I got to drag all 3 monsters out in crap conditions  while being  sick. See..I had to take #3 to the psych office for his evaluation for his iep..kinda couldn't  miss it. Got home  before  it got really  bad. Then the fun really began. 3 kids, all bored. 2 of them are shiny. 2 bored  dogs, 1 I swear is shiny. 1 sick mommy. I managed to keep  the peace, make dinner and keep the wood stove fed so we didn't  freeze  to death. I am DONE. yes, the kids  are alive. They're  fed..and the little  buggers were  o so happy  to see daddy when  he finally  got home. I'm not gonna lie...I was thrilled  to see him too. There's rumor  of a delay  tomorrow..I may  not  make it. Being a sick  mommy  doesn't  pay.

Baby its cold outside....

And it's gonna get worse! I decided  to venture  out to get the oldest's script filled today even though  the weather  was craptastic  at best. The forecast  for the rest of the week  calls for colder temps...as in below  zero wind chills. I'm half guessing  there will  be delays the last 3 days of the week. The  bus stop is right at the top of a windy hill so I'm going to dig out the down  comforter  to wrap the Littles in tomorrow  am. It's a bit more protection  than  just their winter coats, heck.. I might even join them under it while we wait. It's crazy  cold on a typical  winter day, let alone a morning  with crazy wind chills. I added insulation  to the crabitat, put another blanket in the dog kennel (it's in my house..no worries, they're  just spoiled), gave the cats a couple extra  places to lay in comfort, fed the wood stove..I've  been entirely  too productive for a beautiful  snow  covered and freezing day!

Don't forget about  the auction  for my Lexie. Just follow: auntie_mare_bear  on instagram! Her family  and I thank you.

Just a random post for smiley360

hey guys..help me out..click on this link if anyone is reading this blog. thats all you have to do. its not spam. its for smiley360..a great program where you can test and keep free products

http://h5.sml360.com/-/17cv

Happy new year

I know, we're 4 days in to the new year and i haven't posted yet. The monsters are on break til TOMORROW and things have been nuts. The youngest got his official diagnosis on monday and started his meds tuesday am. the "magic pudding" has been amazing and i hope that the difference we've noticed translates to school. He has his psych intake wed am to see what companion disorders he has (i'm going with anxiety) and so i can get a psych report to use to help me get modifications to his iep. of course, nothing in my world is simple and we're expecting subzero wind chills starting wednesday am....so i'll probably be lugging his siblings to the appointment and just keeping them home afterwards because i just can't make myself be in three places at once and i don't have a support system...if i did, i wouldn't be a stay at home mommy!

I have also been dealing with the grief from losing my sweet Lexie a week ago today. The pain is intense..the pain is very real. Grief never goes away and it never gets easier. The reality is that she left us because she loved us. this sounds nuts..i know. but its true. the demons she fought were real. she could no longer be the parent, child, friend, sister, aunt that she thought we all deserved. There was nothing any of us could have done to change her mind. The grieving time is over..its time to celebrate my baby bunnie and the amazing life that she lived. i love her so...i will never quit loving her. Every day i will do my best to live in a way that honors her and is an example to her sweet Ryry of how her mother lived.

Today, there is an auction going on on instagram for her and Ryry. its a great opportunity to get something cool for yourself and help my girls. simply follow: auntie_mare_bear on instagram everything you need to know about the auction is there.