May 4..i can't do the corny star wars jokes anymore. well, maybe next year, but not this year. This year, i need to celebrate the life of someone who isn't here anymore and I'm not quite sure how to do it. The pain of her loss is still incredibly fresh and well, i've never done this before. i've never celebrated a birthday of a child who isn't here anymore. Until that fateful day in december, i have never been a parent of a child who is gone. I'm not alone. Her Bunnie Moms, every single one of them are feeling this loss with me, today and every day. There were a couple of us closer to her than others, but make no mistake, she was all of ours.
Lexie, sweetheart, I know you're not happy with me right now. I know you're watching me try to get thru today without crying for you and its not working. I've been a basket case since my feet hit the floor. I've dreaded today and you know it. I know you're ok and i'm grateful for that knowledge, but i can't help it baby, i want you here to celebrate your 23rd earth birthday, not your first birthday as an angel. I know its selfish. You were in pain and you did what you had to do to feel better and be at peace and today, as i reflect on the 7 years that you blessed me with and the beautiful grandbunnie you gave me, i am sad sweetheart, not mad. The price of great love is always great loss and you, my angel, you were my greatest love and my most devastating loss. You chose me. You allowed me to love you like you were my own, through the good times and the bad, you let me in and even though you never truly understood love, you knew that i loved you, you know that i continue to love you. What you're not understanding baby is that though you are at peace, those of us you left here, we're doing our best to move forward, but some days are rougher than others. this is a year of firsts for us without you and today is the toughest first. Ry's birthday will be another rough one. We'll get through them and strive every day to make you as proud of us as we are of you,
As you're up there in heaven looking down at us today, please know that the tears we shed are bittersweet. They're sweet because we love you and they're bitter because we miss you more than you will ever understand. I'm taking today to just be still and recharge. Taking care of me today is the best possible way i can think of to honor you..the one who inspired me and taught me more than you'll ever know. I just wanted to wish you the very happiest of birthdays in heaven. May you play with the stars that were always in your eyes.
I love you Lexie Lynn Merrill. today and every day, forever and always.
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