Reflections

When you have add, it comes with a lot of good, and ..a lot of bad. I've been pretty lucky that i've always been able to deal with more of the positive side of it. That all changed last week when I had a much needed though really shitty timed nervous break down. See, Add is a mental illness. I don't care how much sugar coating we do to it and say its a learning disability. It affects soo much more than just our ability to just learn things. It affects how we do EVERYTHING. Romances, children, friendships, work..it affects our ability to do every single thing we need to do. To keep calling it a learning disability does a huge disservice to what i just survived and I assure you, I'm not the only Shiny Squirrel out there who is dealing with it on a day to day basis, I'm just one with a blog and with that blog comes the opportunity to share what happened so that others can learn from it. 

Last week, I got stuck in my own head, as us shinys are prone to do (so don't tell us to quit over thinking...it works about as well as bathing a cat) and was having a spirited discussion with someone that i care VERY deeply about over some personal things. About that same time, a song came on the radio..specifically, Garth Brooks "mom" and it killed me. See, Back in December if you remember, i lost my daughter to suicide and that song had just come out when i found out about her. I haven't done a stellar job dealing with my grief over her as i have 3.5 other kids and a husband and a life..and i haven't taken care of myself like i need to. Well, guess what...i lost it. And then my friend, who didn't realize what was going on here (they're over a hundred miles away) kept going on this little discussion we were having and i snapped. I was in over my head with so much crap that i went off. And i couldn't pull myself out. They couldn't handle it and very politely told me so. It was a move that i completely understand and i do not blame them for one single bit, but it threw me over the edge. In a minute i went from having someone who cares for me in a way that is uniquely us to being alone in that respect. It was more than i could handle. I withdrew. I couldn't quit crying, i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat, all i wanted to do was walk...and i did. Walking might not seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of coping mechanisms, but that brings me to another point..us shinys, we're ridiculously prone to bouts of self destruction when pushed. Alcohol, eating disorders, cutting, promiscuity, drugs..the list goes on and on. I walked to keep myself from the alcohol. I walked to keep me from playing with the knives that would let me feel something besides the pain i was feeling. I was beyond screwed up. I needed help and couldn't get it. I knew I had to pull myself up out of this, but i had no idea how. All i wanted was them back. It was a feeling of hopelessness and complete despair that, unless you've been thru it, you can't ever imagine. 

I had some well meaning people try to cheer me up..honestly, it made it worse. I tried to apologize for things that had been said, but this friend, god love them, they'll see every bit i'm screwed up and raise it a notch. To care about someone who has add is to care about a bunch of mice on meth..you can't predict what we're going to do, but honestly, neither can we. I had to feel every bit of grief and ride every single wave. I had to cry so hard i couldn't keep what little food i was eating down and have perfect strangers ask if i was ok when i was crying out on my walks. I had to shut out my family because as much as they love me, they don't have a clue what's going on in my head most days and i wasn't in the mental shape to make them understand it now. there's just no adequate way to put in to words what was going on. no, i had to isolate myself and figure this out. Looking back, there was ONE person i SHOULD'VE reached out to..there's one person who has had my back unconditionally since we were kids..and in typical shiny fashion, I didn't reach out to them til last night. They knew i'd come to them eventually, i always do, i always have. I am grateful to know that they love me and aren't afraid to admit it. I am trying to make a date to just veg and curl up and sleep through some stupid horror movies like we used to do when one of us was upset. I desperately need the peace and comfort that comes from a long time connection and a ritual..no matter how stupid it is. My husband, god love him, sees that need and knows its nothing personal...i need time with the only person on the planet who understands me completely and seeing as i'm a fairly complex little squirrel, he's glad to have someone else take the reigns when i get to be too much. This person can calm me down like no one else has ever been able to and my husband is grateful..he can tell when we've talked, i just feel better. 

Back to last week. My friend...well, we have a fairly complex dynamic some days. Its never going to change and i don't want it to. They don't see in themselves what i've seen in them for god..over 25 years. They swear they've changed but what has always attracted me to them is their heart. They may have a head of iron and drive me completely insane, but they're good people at the end of the day. My word is better, more beautiful when they're in it and a complete and utter mess when we're arguing. When i finally yanked myself out of where i was, i may have posted a few expletive laced posts on facebook..yes, they were completely directed at them. They eventually figured it out and we're trying like hell to work things out, but here's the thing..us shinys, we can't remember what we had for breakfast..but every god damned stupid thing we've ever said or done? yup, we're gonna remember them and beat ourselves up over them FOREVER. There's rarely a need to punish a shiny, we'll take care of that ourselves thank you very much. If i hear the words "stop it" or "stop over thinking things" one more god damned time, my head is going to explode. I trip over things i said last week and i beat myself up for causing them pain.i will continue to punish myself for this til the day i die..its my nature.  I still cry, but its not like it was last week.

 I love them. I know they're uncomfortable with me saying this and when they see this post, its gonna make their skin crawl, but it is what it is. I've lost a lot of people in my life and the one thing i learned a VERY long time ago is that you never get a second chance to tell someone who you feel. Love is a complex thing and its a bitch. I love my children differently than i love my husband, i love my nieces and nephews differently than i love my brother,i love my cousins differently than i love anyone,  i love my friends hard and i love them to the ends of the earth. Loving means taking the chance that you're gonna get hurt. As a shiny, that's a million times scarier than it is for a normal person. I will never apologize for loving anyone i care about. its a risk i'm going to have to take because the rewards are so great. 

This friend..they inspire me more than they will EVER know. They got me writing again, The preliminary reviews for my little project are crazy. i don't know how i'm going to get them to understand what it means that they got me to follow thru with a dream, but that dream is what saved my life this past week. Literally.

How screwed up was i? i was grasping at reasons to stay here. i went there. i wanted out. rather permanently. this person told me they'd thought about it once..honey, i've thought about it and tried it more than i can count. i'm still here for reasons i don't fully understand, but deep in my soul, the reason is entwined with them. My writing project helped pull me out of the depths. When a bottle of pills chased with a bottle of alcohol sounds like a great idea, sometimes, you just need that one thing..for me it was a short story about 2 old friends and some magic. 

For everything i went through last week, it made me stronger..even though i'm still recovering. I still get stuck in my head. I still over think EVERYTHING. I am a desperate woman. I NEED to get back to where it was..we were so fucking close and there was an ease and understanding that i haven't had in years. There was playful tension and moments of romcom boredom. I thought things were getting better and then i said something stupid last night..IT HAPPENS. I'm so fucking far from perfect its not funny, its gonna happen. I don't deserve to walk on egg shells for the next 25 years, but if thats the price to pay for things, i guess its the price i'm going to have to pay. No one understands why i won't just give up..walk away. Well, find the one person that inspires you to be better. Find the person who ignites a passion in you that you had forgotten about. Find the person who challenges you on every single level..and try to walk away from them. Like it or not, that's what i have in this person and i'll be damned if i'm going away without fighting for my life. 

So, can we please..stop calling add a learning disability? If it were just a learning disability, i assure you last week never would've happened. I am here. I am proud of my add, the good, the bad and at times, the very, very ugly. Add is a mental illness..believe me. There's nothing wrong with admitting it.