Passion

A while ago, a well meaning friend (yes guys, THAT friend) told me i needed to find my passion in life. Well, see, what that loveable idiot has never understood is that life is too short for me to have just one thing i'm passionate about. I'm passionate about my kids, my nieces and nephews, lgbt rights, suicide prevention, all things fire service, my family, my friends, my hermit crabs, add/adhd awareness..lots of stuff.

Today, i need to tell you guys about something important that has quickly consumed my life the last few days. I'm helping my beach mommy promote a basket raffle to benefit a friend of hers on Hatteras Island (another passion of mine) who has stage 3 lung cancer. There's almost $3000 of amazingly cool stuff in this thing (the picnic blanket was made by yours truly) including, get this..4 days in paradise, including a $250 visa gift card that you can use for your gas money and a bunch of restaurant gift cards. Yup...for a $2 ticket, you could land in paradise for a few blissful days AND get a warm and fuzzy feeling knowing that you've helped a worthy family meet their expenses for a while.

Please, go to https://www.facebook.com/beachbasketfundraiser

A very belated Happy Mother's Day to any moms who happen to follow this little blog. If your kids are human or furry, or fishy, or crabbie or lizardy, it matters not..you're a mom and i hope yours was a spectacular one. I spent the day chasing the youngest son around the house as it was his birthday and when its Mothers day and his birthday, well, you know exactly what comes first. Today, since the monsters are all in school, I'm celebrating in the best possible way. sitting on my front porch with the computer and a cup of iced coffee..in silence!

Yesterday was a touch rough on me as well. This is a year of firsts for me and yesterday was my first Mother's Day without my Lexie. It was her first in heaven and i know that i am not alone in missing my baby bunnie something terrible. She left behind a momma, a sister, aunts and a crazy group of her internet moms, the Bunnie Moms. She meant something different to each of us and to me, she was the brightest star in my galaxy. I know I post a lot about her, but I'm only 36..i haven't ever walked this path before and quite frankly, some days, i don't know what i'm doing. I write about her to help me figure things out without going crazy and annoying my friends because as much as they love me, they don't have a clue what i'm going thru and honestly, i don't wish this on anyone.

Speaking of daughters, i do have another adopted daughter that i rarely talk about and i owe her a huge apology because i am terribly proud of her as well. I've known her for the last 11 years and damn..she's a lot like my Lex. What Cheryl has overcome is amazing and for her to be where she is now is nothing short of amazing. I used to beat myself up for not being able to get her out of where she was. Lord knows i tried, but it wasn't happening. My girl, she's a fighter and a survivor and she makes this momma proud EVERY single day. Please. go check her out at cityangel90.wordpress.com you won't be disappointed!

And i just got word that i'm spending tomorrow with 4 of my favorite people (3 are under 6!) so i'd better get off of this pile of microchips and get stuff done..stuff i was putting off for tomorrow. (oops)

FTSF: No one was around when it happened..

Hi guys! Welcome to Finish the Sentence Friday. Its basically a really cool blog hop that I TRY to do every week with some other awesome bloggers on facebook. Well, guess what? I'm co hosting this week. I am pathetically excited about this. Our topic this week is No one was around when it happened and i can't wait to see what everyone comes up with!

So, what's my story? Oh sweet spongebob..I've got a million of them. I think this week, I'll go sentimental. The coolest thing that ever happened to me when no one else was around was when my youngest son finally started talking. He's got add like me and unlike me, he's also on the spectrum. Sensory processing and probably aspbergers (we're still in the process of getting him diagnosed). The poor little guy RARELY spoke until he started kindergarten this year. You know how when kids are around 1 and they start saying Mama and Dada? Yeah...didn't happen with him until he was 2. He just didn't talk. We honestly didn't think anything of it at first because he's the youngest of 3 and his big brothers would talk for him all of the time. They still read his mind...the difference is now, he gets MAD when they talk for him. But, anyway, back to the prompt.

I had given him a bath one day when his brothers were at school. He had dumped powder all over himself again (his favorite past time..still is) and we had to go get groceries. I was talking to him and after i got him out of the tub, i sat him on the floor in his room and went to get the clothes i had laid out for him when all of a sudden i hear the sweetest voice saying "momma, come back". 3 little words that had me bawling instantly. I tried to get him to say it again and he looked at me like "seriously? I am NOT a trained elephant..i won't do tricks on command". Of course, his dad was at work, his brothers were at school. It was just us and the cats. When he called me, his favorite kitty came in to see what was wrong with her kid. For the longest time, if he said "momma, come back" he was actually calling KittyKitty. It worked and he was happy, but he wouldn't do it if anyone was around. It was an entire year before he'd say anything around his brothers and dad. Now, he won't shut up (I'm not complaining) and he actually calls KittyKitty by calling for her, not me. He's a pretty awesome kid and I'm so proud of how far he's come in recent years, especially this year.

As long as I'm talking about my kids, this week was a toughie. My Angel Daughter's 23rd birthday was Monday and it was her first as an angel. I spent the day in tears when no one was around. i couldn't help it and believe me, i learned the hard way to just accept the feeling and ride it out. well, Monday afternoon was beautiful here and i needed to get outside and just be for a while before i went nuts. I went out and laid down on a blanket in the sun. A fly landed on me (some people like butterflies, but that girl was everywhere and right after she died, her dad was invaded by a fly that refused to leave him..so, when i see a fly, its my baby) and i heard her giggle. She had the most amazing giggle when she was up to something. I didn't hear the giggle in my head..i heard it as clear as i hear my kids talk. She was visiting me and trying to get me to laugh again. Of course, being half nuts myself, that fly and i had a long talk. Yes, i talked to a fly. Go ahead and laugh. I told her how much i miss her and love her and that i am trying to get back to giggling because its what made her happy. I am so grateful that no one was around to see me talking to a fly that was on my hand!

Want to link up to this? click here

http://new.inlinkz.com/view.php?id=523961" title="click to view in an external page.">An InLinkz Link-up

Happy Birthday in Heaven

May 4..i can't do the corny star wars jokes anymore. well, maybe next year, but not this year. This year, i need to celebrate the life of someone who isn't here anymore and I'm not quite sure how to do it. The pain of her loss is still incredibly fresh and well, i've never done this before. i've never celebrated a birthday of a child who isn't here anymore. Until that fateful day in december, i have never been a parent of a child who is gone. I'm not alone. Her Bunnie Moms, every single one of them are feeling this loss with me, today and every day. There were a couple of us closer to her than others, but make no mistake, she was all of ours.

Lexie, sweetheart, I know you're not happy with me right now. I know you're watching me try to get thru today without crying for you and its not working. I've been a basket case since my feet hit the floor. I've dreaded today and you know it. I know you're ok and i'm grateful for that knowledge, but i can't help it baby, i want you here to celebrate your 23rd earth birthday, not your first birthday as an angel. I know its selfish. You were in pain and you did what you had to do to feel better and be at peace and today, as i reflect on the 7 years that you blessed me with and the beautiful grandbunnie you gave me, i am sad sweetheart, not mad. The price of great love is always great loss and you, my angel, you were my greatest love and my most devastating loss. You chose me. You allowed me to love you like you were my own, through the good times and the bad, you let me in and even though you never truly understood love, you knew that i loved you, you know that i continue to love you. What you're not understanding baby is that though you are at peace, those of us you left here, we're doing our best to move forward, but some days are rougher than others. this is a year of firsts for us without you and today is the toughest first. Ry's birthday will be another rough one. We'll get through them and strive every day to make you as proud of us as we are of you,

As you're up there in heaven looking down at us today, please know that the tears we shed are bittersweet. They're sweet because we love you and they're bitter because we miss you more than you will ever understand. I'm taking today to just be still and recharge. Taking care of me today is the best possible way i can think of to honor you..the one who inspired me and taught me more than you'll ever know. I just wanted to wish you the very happiest of birthdays in heaven. May you play with the stars that were always in your eyes.

I love you Lexie Lynn Merrill. today and every day, forever and always.

FTSF..I used to love this but now i hate it

I'm a weird one, but if you're reading this, you're already aware of that. You know what i really used to love as a kid, but can't stand now? Bubble baths. I don't know if its because the older i get, getting into the tub is just a huge pain or what, but i would rather take a long shower than soak in a bubble bath any day of the week. I have friends that are constantly telling me how relaxing it is and i'm just over here like "eh." a 15 minute shower for me is heaven. I also can't stand the stuff you have to put in the water to get those bubbles. They are all so perfumey and stinky. I mean, who comes up with these scents? its like something out of an old lady's dream. ((shudders at the thought)) Yuck. Just yuck. So there, dear bloggers..short and sweet..i hate bubble baths! Cant wait to see what ya'll come up with.

Brothers

Growing up,I could count on one hand how many girlfriends i had. Maybe 2 or 3 at most, maybe. Sure, i had girls who hung around, but they were usually interested in my brother and were using me to get to him. I've had a lot of the same guy friends since preschool. Seriously. They were the ones who got me through elementary school.  When I was in 6th grade, i got really lucky and fell into this amazing group of guys who, to this day, i consider to be my brothers. We may not talk all of the time and we have managed to loose touch over time and of course, reconnected through facebook. These are the guys that i trust more than anyone. True, i'm closer to some of them than others, to one above everyone, but these guys, they made me who i am..the mother, wife, auntie and friend that i am. They continue to push me to be a better person every day of our lives. I have watched these guys grow from annoying kids to absolutely amazing men. In recent years, we've shared more than our fair share of joy..marriages, the births of our amazing kids, our kids proudest moments. We've also shared our fair share of heartbreaks too. Most of us have had our first go at marriage fall apart around us, we've lost friends and classmates, most of us have lost grandparents, some of us have lost parents and at least one of us has felt the unimaginable loss of a child. These guys are my heart and soul. Every good thing in my life is the result of having grown up with them and as i get older, i know what's important. Friends are the family that you chose for yourself and i made some damn good decisions way back then. Do we still fight? oh hell yeah. Do I drive them to the brink of insanity? of course..its a gift i have. Football season is a bitch. I'm the only one of us with good taste in teams. I have no idea where i went wrong with these guys, but they have absolutely terrible taste in teams. I know for a fact that they think the exact same thing about me...we ride each other about it all the time. The thing is, when i talk to any of these guys, about anything..i feel better. these are the guys who will never lie to me. If i'm being over dramatic, you better believe i'll hear about it. if i'm upset and have valid reason, they get protective. these guys are the men i hope my sons grow up to become. See, as we get older (most of us are sneezing at the big 40), life changes. You go through stuff and you look back at how you got where you are. The road isn't always pleasant, but you see who was there with you. Being the guys girl that i am, rarely have i had occasion to tell them how proud i am of them and how much i love them, so i'm doing that now.

Peace found

I took a weekend road trip with my best friend this weekend. Well, actually it was 24 blissful hours away from the hubby and kids. We went to southern ohio to meet up with a gentleman and his daughter to adopt their hermit crabs. Yep, hermit crabs. Looks like we're getting into the rescue end of owning crabbies, but that's another story..maybe i'll get to it later today, maybe i'll save it for another day.

Anyways, we needed this. I've been making changes in my life since my little "mental health slip up" and part of these changes has included doing things that people don't necessarily think I can do. This road trip was part of it. It was 3 hrs one way to SE OH and then another 3 hrs (ish) up to NE OH. Why the hell did we go to NE OH? Pretty simple. I have an old friend who lives there. An old friend who I desperately needed to clear the air with. See, this old friend is the same friend i posted about the last time i posted and things were getting mean between us. They swear things weren't, but i assure you, they were bad and i almost walked away. I didn't want to..it would've killed me, so..i gave them one last chance to hear me out and to talk. As luck would have it, they had worked the night before, spent all day with their significant other and forgot i was coming into town..more correctly, they had their head up their ass for a week and didn't think i'd actually do it. I ALMOST  didn't call them to let them know I had landed safely and was splurging on a fairly pricey hotel room (totally worth it btw) for the night, but another dear friend kinda made me do it and i am so grateful they did.

I wanted to see them, but like i said, they were exhausted and snippy, so i settled for a phone call and text messages while i was relaxing in the hotel room. I laughed, i got mad, i got frustrated, i apologized for some things, told them i owe them a bigger apology for a couple things (i feel very strongly that i need to do this) but that would have to be on a private phone call (best friend was with me) or better yet, face to face, but i laid my cards out on the table and I found PEACE. No matter how crazy we drive each other, no matter how mad i make them or vice versa, i am now content with the knowledge that we're not going anywhere, no matter what the other thinks. I needed that. I needed to know that they still cared, i mean, i knew it, but i needed to hear it from them. See, I've got most of my life wrapped up with this person and yes, we missed a few years because, well, life happened, but i treasure our friendship, they are like a sibling to me..lord knows we fight like siblings. I couldn't just walk away, no matter how much very well meaning people tried to get me to. I love them. They irritate me, annoy the crap out of me, they inspire me, they teach me (whether or not they realize it..i do get the hints most of the time) and most importantly, they make me want to be a better version of myself..for my husband, my kids and me. I've made some pretty dramatic life changes in the last few weeks and its because of their encouragement..both direct and indirect. I want to keep moving forward and make them proud.

We will never see eye to eye on a lot of things and that's ok, because it makes things fun and interesting. I don't want them to change for me and i refuse to change my heart for them, becoming better doesn't mean i won't still be my goofy, loveable, slightly bitchy self..it means i want to make better use of who i am, this gift i was given. We love other football teams and hate each others teams with an unholy passion. I love their dog (they don't understand this, but he's the most awesome thing on 4 feet and i can't help it, i'm an animal lover), i drive them crazy.

I'm proud of them and the life changes that they've made over the last couple years. Especially the ones they're making now. I know how their story ends..well, i hope i got it right when i wrote it down. (another long story) if i'm right, they're gonna owe me big time! There's magic here..a magic that gave me back a love i had forgotten, magic that reminded me of my true self (someone i had lost and missed terribly) and magic that is giving me the courage to move forward when i want to curl up in a ball and hide.

The moral of this story? Sometimes, you have to take crazy risks, do stupid things and when you know in your heart that something, someONE is worth fighting for, no matter what others say, you have to to just do it..go with your heart and fight for it or them. I took the risk, I fought the battle..the war isn't over yet, but i'm in this for the long haul. I fought for the ability to find the peace I desperately needed with this person and I found it. You never know until you try!